Funding Terrorism.

"I just want to stop funding terrorism. I just want to pay taxes. Why can't I find some help?"

My husband's plan to go to a medical detox facility today fell through, as I'd suspected it might. He'd been very attached to his plan, attached to the idea that going away for awhile would be a magical cure for the things that aren't working out for him, would help him break his bad mental habits. The medical detox is a precursor to handling more difficult problems and going away for an extended period of time, and he'd been excited to take this first step.

I'd been encouraging him to call the facility. I'd called it months ago, during his last big relapse, and they'd told me in a brief conversation that they would take people in withdrawal who didn't have health insurance and help them through detox. I didn't get into any details. I came home, and I told him that there might be an option for a medical detox facility if he wanted to go to one, and he held that in his mind until today. He never called, never followed up...just assumed that he was going, today, to the facility, that they'd take him in, ease his withdrawal from methadone, gentle as a lamb, and that he'd be all better afterwards and ready to face his next challenge. It was sad and hard to watch, but I am proud of myself for staying out of his business. I have a really hard time staying out of his business.

He was devastated to find out that his methadone dose is too high and that the facility can only treat someone for three days, which won't even touch what he's going to go through if he cuts off his dose cold turkey. He's devastated that he was so cocksure that he was doing it right. He was devastated that he is finally trying to make some good decisions, and even when he's trying, he still doesn't quite get them straight. It's hard, hard, hard to watch.

But he is trying, and I am proud of him. I have readers who are damn close to angels, and one of you wrote to me not long ago letting me know that he and his wife had been reading, that he related to my husband, and mentioned that he worked as a liaison between addicts and treatment facilities. He offered me his number, and I passed it along to my husband. He used that number today, and hopefully, they'll find a good option together. I am proud of myself for staying out of it, proud of him for making a call and reaching out for help, and so, so grateful to have folks reading, listening, and wanting to help. It was one of the most lovely, serendipitous experiences I've had...Thank you.

And honestly, I am glad to have the rehab-searching work off my job description as resident codependent in my husband's life. It is frustrating. I've spent too much time calling and calling and calling and being passed along and passed along and passed along. I am sorry that he has to do it now, but it's his. It's not mine. It's my job to be supportive and to understand, but it's not my work to do it for him. It is fascinating to me how long it has taken me to comprehend that these things aren't my job.

Gratitude List.

I'm struggling to keep my head inside my head, so I thought I should write a gratitude list.

1. I have a beautiful family.
2. My Nar-Anon family is an amazing resource, and I am so glad I have them.
3. I have wonderful friends who are willing to come to me when I need them most.
4. I have a relationship with a higher power that I'm learning to turn to more and more.
5. I had a beautiful moment last week at the end of a yoga class. I could feel my heart beating, and I felt the sweat on my skin, and I knew I was in the right place at the right time...that there was nowhere else in the world where I should be. I am glad to have found a way to access the spiritual part of myself.
6. I have a nice place to live and animals to love.
7. I have a job that I enjoy and that pays me well enough to get by.
8. I've got a great mind, and I will find a way out of this mess.
9. I've got 4 books on my shelf by my bed that I haven't read yet.
10. It will be spring soon, and I'll be able to wear flip flops.
11. Lots of people care about me, and I have heard from tons of them over the last few days.

Gratitude Muscles.

"This posture helps you to strengthen your gratitude muscles. These muscles are very, very important. They are closely linked to your happiness muscles, so it's important that you get to know your gratitude muscles very well."

This is how my yoga teacher opened class this morning while we all were breathing deeply in child's pose...my lovely, singing yoga teacher with her beautifully tattooed arm, talking gratitude and happiness and self-acceptance in the morning time. Of course I was there. Of course. Where else would I be in the world?

Still There Is Pleasure.

I have stolen both the title and the idea for this post from Beyond The Map's list of things that are giving her pleasure in spite of the chaos of moving. It's a lovely post, and it made me want to write my own list about what gives me pleasure in the midst of all the chaos in my life...it's like a gratitude list without the guilt!

1. On my desk, I have this wonderful squishy skull guy. When I squeeze him, his brains pop out all bulbous and orange. I love him. He's a Halloween toy.

2. I have spent my day writing, again. Nothing is better.

3. All my secret blogging friends are the best, best, best! I also like are secret talky box that can steal my attention for hours and hours.

4. The prospect of all the wonderful things that will be here, soon...like the Friday pizza, the changing leaves, the visit from Vowels, the dog walk this evening, tomorrow morning's yoga, tomorrow evening's meeting...it's all so hopeful and happy, and it's all mine.

5. Last night, I took a long and wonderful bath. I'm going to do it again tonight.

6. It pleases me to no end that bloggers get to have a street name and a government name. Blogging, generally, pleases me. It satisfies my inner nerd, and it makes me write.

7. My husband's long curly hair is a veritable primrose fucking path. My hands get all lost in it and I can't even do anything except touch it and smell it and pull it. I barely made it to work today. I nearly had to call in sprung.

8. We've gotten quite good at making our poverty food more interesting. For instance: add butter, frozen vegetables, hot sauce, and optional tuna to your Ramen for a unique twist to the traditional poverty fare.

9. I talked on the phone last night for a few minutes to a Nar-Anon friend who was having a mini-crisis, and we ended up laughing at ourselves and each other. That recognition and understanding from someone who was a stranger not too long ago is deeply satisfying, and it helps me to make sense of my world.

10. I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love, and it's really, really good. I just finished Lolita, which I have no business reading at this point in my life. But Eat Pray Love is perfect for me, and for now.

Today.

It's been a peaceful day. I'm grateful.

Gratitude List.

I think this is my third one. They seem to get shorter.

• I have this stupid little project that I'm looking forward to. It's an arts and crafts thing. I don't have any coasters, and I'm going to make some with old cds. I will use Mod Podge. I love that shit. It's what I'm doing tonight instead of fretting about Mexican heroin dealers coming to my house to kill me. It will be fun. I like arts and crafts.
  
• Tomorrow is pay day. I'm going to fill my gas tank to the brim! I'm going to pour some gas out on the ground for my homies! I'm going to pay the bills and eat a store-bought dinner!
  
• When I leave work tomorrow, I'm going to get my dumbass man, and the both of us are going to a meeting. I'll get to see my magical sponsor and everybody else. I'll get to bitch and vent and feel better afterwards.
  
• I found those free yoga podcasts. I'm doing one tonight after I finish making coasters.
  
• I have another episode of my favorite tv show to watch.
• I got a lot of work done this week, so now I'm going to be all caught up. It's been chaos at work for a while, and I keep thinking I'm almost caught up, and then I'm not...but now, finally, I really kind of am.
• I'm going on vacation with my family in a few months. I'm starting to really look forward to it...family time without Mr. Junky and his infinite bullshittery sounds wonderful.
• I think I'll be getting my arm tattoo finished soon. It's been about half done since February, and I'm going to get some more color, and it'll be the most beautiful tattoo ever in the history of the world (really, it might be one of the prettiest tattoos, ever, like in the actual history of the actual world). That's fun to look forward to.
  
• I'm halfway through a good novel, and I can pick it back up when I finish playing with coasters and doing yoga.
• There are lots of things I can do tonight instead of freaking out. That's good to know...
• I've got fabulous friends who will beat people up for me or pick me up if I'm stranded or loan me money if I'm broke or get on an airplane and come sit with me if I marry a madman. That's good stuff.
  
• My job is awesome, still. Even if being at home is miserable, being at work is good, always.
• The mortgage is paid. None of the bills are late.
  
• Even when he's the worst shitbag pain in the ass in the whole entire world, every night, I go to sleep next to the person I want to sleep next to. There's no where else I'd rather be.

Gratitude.

I could say a lot of things about life today...I could write about the Stray showing up, or I could write about the funeral. I could write about how I'm unhappy with our relationship, with how things are getting better at such a horribly slow pace, at how he doesn't appreciate how fantastically I have handled his godawful behavior. I could write about Mr. Junky's great big pity party that he had this morning and how I told him he needed to think about all the things that he should be grateful for. Instead, I'll write about all the things that I have to be grateful for.

1. I am so grateful that we have another day together, and that we've got tomorrow to look forward to.

2. I'm grateful for my wonderful friends, both electronic and real.

3. I'm grateful that Long Vowels is coming over next week! And that I might get to see Question Air! Woohoo!

4. I'm grateful for the things he whispered to me before I left for the funeral.

5. I'm glad to have had cabbage for dinner. I love cabbage.

6. I'm grateful that my job is still awesome, and my coworkers are funny and smart and kind people that I look forward to seeing every day.

7. There's a meeting tomorrow, and I look forward to it as much as I look forward to anything in my life. We're going out for coffee afterwards. I think it will be fun.

(My husband asked me if he should come. I said, "No," but I wonder if I should have said, "Yes." Maybe he could make friends with folks in recovery? Maybe I shouldn't plan schemes to get his dumb ass in meetings? Maybe if he makes any kind of move to participate in N.A. in any way, even to skip the meeting to come out for coffee afterwards, I should encourage it? Maybe it's not my bucket of shit? Chloe, maybe we can arrange a play date?! They don't like the same drugs, anyway, so it wouldn't even be scary!)

8. I'm grateful that lots and lots of folks showed up for my friend's wife's funeral. It was a lovely service, and I'm glad I went and was able to give him a big hug.

9. I'm grateful for the great big bad pit bull that won't stop stomping on my back while I lie here typing. Especially, I am grateful for her silly feet.

10. I'm glad that the life I have, even with all its mess and burdens and complications, is the life I've chosen...from bottom to top, this is my world, my construction.

11. I'm glad that I'm healthy and pretty and smart.

12. I'm glad that the bed is big, but not too big.

13. I'm so looking forward to when he comes to bed with me and we hold each other close.

14. I'm lucky to have a good family.

15. There are children in my life that are beautiful and give me something to look forward to.

16. I own a very cool home.

17. I like the color of my hair.

18. I like the color of my husband's hair, and also the way it smells, and the way it feels in my hands.

19. I'm glad I'm a good writer, and I'm glad my husband is a wonderful artist. I'm glad we can be creative together.

20. I'm glad that this year, I've managed to make my entire living off of writing.

21. I'm grateful and proud that I've been able to support myself, pay my mortgage, and take care of things while he's been out of work.

22. I'm glad that I'm still growing, learning, and surviving through one of the hardest times I've ever known.

Today at work.

I am so glad I'm not a PR person. I just spent the last hour reading emails from PR people hitting me up to review the crappy bands they represent. I uniformly replied, "No thank you," and felt guilty.

Then, I had to interview a porn star. Tracking these guys down is always a dreadful experience, and then once you get them, you have to hope that they're not too strung out on cum and cocaine to make any sense. Surprisingly, though, today's porn star interview went rather well...the lady in question responded promptly and professionally.

I love my job. I was fucking around with the husband this morning, and so I was late. I mosey in to work around noon, and I'll stay a little late tonight to make up the hours. The pay is lousy, but nothing beats coming to work at noon, interviewing a few porn stars, writing all day, and then going home. I'm lucky.

I think it's time for a new gratitude list:

1. I'm glad for my job...I'm glad to have a paycheck that's regular, if meager, and I'm glad to get paid to do something I love. I'm glad for the flexibility, the companionship of my kick-ass coworkers, for the openness and acceptance I've found there.
2. I'm glad that things are getting better, gradually, with my husband.
3. I'm grateful for my doggies and their wonderful bellies that need lots of scratching.
4. I'm glad for meetings, especially for the Thursday night ones. I'm considering going to one tonight...I kind of feel like I could use a tune-up, but the Tuesday nights are never quite as good as Thursday.
   
5. I'm grateful for the mother-in-law and her willingness to listen to me complain about her crazy-ass son.
6. I'm so lucky to have wonderful girlfriends who will listen to me complain on the telephone. I'd die without it. Shrivel right up.
7. I'm grateful for my beautiful niece.
8. I'm grateful for all my new electronic friends .
9. I've really enjoyed learning new stuff through keeping the blog...not just like inner-understanding or relationship stuff, but like neat things with html code or how internet marketing works or how to manipulate technorati...all that stuff is neat. I'm learning to be a real computer geek, and I've always wanted to learn to do something useful.
   
10. I love my family, the whole crazy-ass bunch of them. At least they don't stab me.

I tried to think past 10 to reach 11. 11 is my lucky number, but that's as grateful as I can be today. It's a pretty good list, I think...