9 a.m. Bedtime.

My husband went to bed this morning when I got up. I went in to work late today, and he was still sleeping when I left this afternoon. I got home from a late night at work, and he is in the bed.

Long days sleeping the whole, entire day have never been a very good sign at my house. Before I found needles, he was on these fantastic sleeping binges. I was SO SURE that he was TOTALLY DEPRESSED. Now I don't stop by the depression junction anymore; I go straight to, "Oh. He's using." We're back to this again.

Tonight, I'm ok. I've taken care of myself today, and I can't say that I'm surprised by his behavior. He has had several chances to make some good decisions lately, and he's blown them off. He bombarded me yesterday with a long, addicty rant with a thousand requests to break boundaries that I've set pretty firmly. I hate how predictable his behavior is. I hate how he's such a textbook junky. I hate how special I remember him being. I hate how much I'll miss the nice man who has been around the last few weeks.

I am thinking, though, that my higher power is looking out for me. If he'd been wonderful, if we'd kept up the high romance, the moonlight walks, the whispered words at night, it would have been so much more painful for him to leave when it's time. If he continues to act like this, all I'm going to think about is how hard he is to live with...how much more peaceful my life will be once he's gone. I feel guilty for thinking these things, for looking forward to him being gone. But it's true. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to sleeping as much as I need to. I'm looking forward to leaving my wallet lying, recklessly, on the table. I'm looking forward to having cash sometimes. I've not done these things in a while, and it will feel good to be able to let down my guard. I don't remember what it feels like to live in peace, to live without someone working, seemingly, to disrupt my serenity at every possible turn. I will miss him, but I'll be glad when he's gone. One of you readers directed me to that Sinead O'Connor song. It's one of my favorites now...oh, I can put it here. Here's a thing!

What Doesn't Belong To Me.

A reader sent me to find a Sinead O'Connor song not too long ago, and I recently downloaded it. It's perfect:

...Because of all the pain
I miss you, but I'm glad you're gone
I want you but I'm not alone
I'm haunted by you
But I'll get you gone if it takes me all my life long
Take back the pain you gave me
Take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back the shame you gave me
Take back what doesn't belong to me...

Take back the rage you gave me
Take back the hatred you gave me for me
Take back the anger that nearly killed me
Take back what doesn't belong to me
And real love requires you
Give up those loves
That you think you love best
Love put you through the test
And only loyal love will bring me happiness

I've got a new part time job, and it means that a couple of days a week, I am off limits to him, and so is all my stuff. He's got to find his own ride to and from work, and it's doing me a world of good. I'm awfully tired of having to think about what he's going to need from me next. Even having just a few days of only having to worry about myself is wonderful.

He has a job interview today. We'll see how it goes.

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Now playing: Sinéad O'Connor - What Doesn't Belong to Me
via FoxyTunes