Comments on The Junky's Wife: Entirely Ready, or, Festering Resentment Syndrome....

Even though you sometimes write about the hard par...

2007-12-09T12:01:00.000-05:00

Even though you sometimes write about the hard part of your life, you always seem aware and focused these days on the good parts as well. That is the only advice I would want to impart so there seems little to comment on other than reinforcing what you already know. It seems that you and G are doing the best you can and, truly, that is quite good. In fact, it is a miracle and cause for much joy.

My recent post with "love" quotes was from our Aquarian horoscope at Free Will Astrology (my fav, very astutely written horoscope). I thought of you when I read them, especially the one from Erica Jong. Ms. Jong isn't exactly known for her optimism so it was kind of surprising to see this quote from her. It seemed so dead on, however, in it's message of how love is really, really worth it. It also seemed totally directed at you my fellow Aquarian.

Keep doing what your doing. It's hard at times, I know. But it seems to be working too, yes?

WS

Hi JW, I have been enjoying your writings for some...

2007-12-09T06:44:00.000-05:00

Hi JW, I have been enjoying your writings for sometime now, and always appreciate the "other" side of addiction.

Reading your anger, hurt and frustration allows me to see your point of view without having to hear it from my significant other.....

And how you work thru those feelings is something you should be proud of!!

You are a strong and courageous woman and I commend your willingness to see this relationship through, regardless of the outcome.

Maybe your husband could also write all this stuff down, take it to a sponsor/meeting instead of "sharing" his new-found honesty with you. Perhaps you are not ready to hear it ALL just yet.....?

I know, for me, when I began recovery, I was on that "PINK CLOUD" they so often mention in meetings. I felt (after withdrawals of course), for the first time, good about myself. Therefore, I thought that others would feel good about me also. That is not always the case. That is why when we make our ammends to those we have harmed, we are careful not to unnecessarily hurt them in the process. That is why we have a sponsor and a fifth step....

Godspeed!

Janice

You're an amazing person.

2007-12-08T13:40:00.000-05:00

You're an amazing person.

I hate those festering resentments popping out of ...

2007-12-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

I hate those festering resentments popping out of the oven at 2am. The hurt of those lies really lingers. Thanks for giving me the language to describe some of my own restless nights.

It will get better with time, trust me on this. I ...

2007-12-08T11:17:00.000-05:00

It will get better with time, trust me on this. I never so much had a problem with projecting or having expectations as some do, i had huge struggles with looking back and kind of getting caught up in what had happened in the past. The past is where it needs to be.
Never get angry at yourself. We all did the best we could do at the time and alot was to be learned... little did we know!
You will work your way through the hurt and anger just like G will work his way through the guilt & shame.
I have it written down is some of my scribbles from meetings "Look back, but do not stare."
Your alarm clock will eventually stop going off, it just takes time.

I will tell you how I see it, from the outside and...

2007-12-08T08:21:00.000-05:00

I will tell you how I see it, from the outside and far from any 12 step approach. Don't let people label what you are feeling into a syndrome. There is no mistery. You are angry, very angry, and justifiably at that if I may add.

There is no way you can hear about all the lies, deceit and betrayal, and just take it at face value and move on. You are trying to be reasonable and supportive, and in doing so you are burying your emotions, which end up coming out when you are with your guard down.

You need to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the normal emotions that any person would feel in a situation like that, or you will never move on.

Getting past the lies is the hardest part.

2007-12-08T04:51:00.000-05:00
Getting past the lies is the hardest part.

So husband has paid for and fucked at least 28 prostitutes over the last 4 years. And when I say paid for I mean $200 - $500 of OUR money each time. My latte budget doesn't compare. My salon budget doesnt' even compare. Whatever.

It's the lies that keep me up at night. The lies that plague me when he says "I love you." Lies are hard to process. They fuck with your life and with your world view. How is it that the person you love and trust the most can lie to you? How is that possible? I receive better treatment from strangers.

It's those stolen cameras that keep us up at night. I have no answers right now...not even any profound thoughts. Just the same questions you have I think.

The process of getting clean and sober is like sha...

2007-12-08T03:18:00.000-05:00

The process of getting clean and sober is like shaping and polishing a diamond. Each feeling, emotion and resentment, each fear, anger and sadness, will rise again and again, to the jewelers wheel.

The good thing is about the gem is once a cut is made, you can't go back. Each time a resentment rises, it goes to the cutters wheel, and we experience it from a different direction or perspective. And the pain lessens as the cuts are made to your diamond...

Each time we feel something, we give it less and less energy to affect us. Hence, we are working through each feeling as it rises again and again, until at some point when it rises it does not trigger such an outburst as you explain. [so maybe you will spend less time in the bathroom, punching the wall!]

Sobriety is a process, and you seem to be on track. Nobody promised you a Rose Garden, so like a good boy scout you should [always be prepared] I am sure he's got some zingers left in him yet! So make that little list each night of what is IN your HEAD BEFORE BED...

Make your gratitude list Every night and PRAY. You never mention prayer, that helps too...

Don't take shit to bed and if it wakes you up, write it down and get rid of it and get some sleep. You can't do anything with a resentment in the middle of the night now can you?

Stay in your day and Do your best. and remember This Too Shall Pass...

The Preacher Jeremiah

It must be so hard, to feel that violation of trus...

2007-12-08T03:17:00.000-05:00

It must be so hard, to feel that violation of trust over and over again as memories come into consciousness. So much loss, so much grieving to do, and it hurts and hurts. No wonder you're mad.

I admire your desire to let go. And the depth of your love for your husband. I've been reading your blog every day because your stories make me believe that there is the possibility of redemption, and that love really is the greatest power.

Festering. How apropos for anything addiction rel...

2007-12-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

Festering. How apropos for anything addiction related. Hammer meet nail.