Methadone and Things

I can't quite figure out the stance in this blog. It seems to be a pro-methadone treatment blog. I have some mixed feelings about methadone maintenance.

After watching G go through withdrawal cold turkey (several times, in fact), I have seen that it can be done. It was miserable, but really, the symptoms weren't that much worse than a really bad flu...probably the worst flu ever...but still, the symptoms are in the "flu" range, not the "dying by being burned by acid" range, which is kind of the way heroin withdrawal is portrayed in the media.

When thinking about withdrawal or reading accounts of what it's like to be dopesick, I have to remember that the people describing dopesickness are addicts, like my husband, and therefore absolutely, charmingly, ridiculously insane. These people are manipulative, nutty, charismatic motherfuckers, and they want withdrawal to sound more like it is in the "burned by acid" spectrum than the "flu" spectrum. This enables them to demand lots of rubbing, lots of fetching of things, and for you to feel very sorry for them in spite of how they might have been lying to you and stealing your money.

This is, of course, just my opinion.

Methadone maintenance might be a good alternative for many people. I think if G had stuck with the methadone program, he probably would have started working much sooner. However, he would be perpetuating his addiction to opiates. He wouldn't be letting his brain heal itself.

I sometimes wish he's stuck with the methadone clinic, though, both because he'd have been working for a while and because they provided counseling there. He would only have met with a counselor every two weeks or so, but it would have been something. Right now, I feel like he isn't doing anything to make himself stronger or better. He's a drug addict who isn't using drugs.

I talked with his mother this morning about our fight last night, and it's so helpful to talk to someone who agrees that I'm not insane or unfair. I know that I'm right--until I see real signs of recovery from him, it's ok for me to restrict his access to my STUFF. He has not respected my stuff in the past because of his addiction, and it's ok for me to protect my crap from him.

I need to remember the day that he told me he owed his dealer $400 and that the dealer recognized my car. He told me this so that I'd pay off his debts (which I now know was a horrible mistake for many reasons--it was more fucking money that he owes me now, and, it opened up a line of credit for him that he wouldn't otherwise have had.), but it had another affect--it let me know that he'd been careless with my safety. He'd let his fucking illegal Mexican heroin dealer become familiar with my car, and the dealer was threatening him (or at least he said the dealer was threatening him. Who knows if he really was).

I hate the way I have to keep reminding myself of the simplest things...like that it's ok to protect myself. It's ok to take care of myself and my things. It's ok not to drop everything and do things for him.

I am learning, also, to respect my own mental space. Sometimes, he'll make me do all this thinking--for instance, when he and I were going to the church where I have my Thursday night meeting and he was getting picked up by a friend, he kept insisting that I give him the directions. He has lived in this town since he was about 12, and I've been here for less than a year. He is at least equally capable of giving directions, and he should actually be much more capable. There is no reason for me to have to reach into my mind and pull out these directions when he can just do it for himself. He gets furious with me when I refuse him--even when it's these kinds of small refusals. He's not used to being told "no."

His mom and I talked about that this morning--the way he is accustomed to getting what he wants, when he wants it. She was saying that she didn't know who he would be able to stay with if he doesn't start working and I made him leave, but I said that I know he'll find a place. Addicts are extremely resourceful, first of all, and G is extremely charming. He'll find someone who doesn't know him well (I think he's burned all his bridges with his close friends and family), and someone will let him stay there. It'll be a distant friend who will think it's so cool to have a tattoo artist on his couch, or a girl who he's half-assed strung along and who's half-assed in love with him. He'd find a way, and he'd work those people for a few months until they woke up and realized what had happened.

It is sad to me that I'm past his manipulations, because it means we've lost something more than just my weakness for his lying. We've lost trust, and it's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work to get it back. I don't know if he has it in him to stick it out.