Another Perfect Dream

From the Bill Moyers interview of Joseph Campbell:

Bill Moyers : Do you ever have the sense of... being helped by hidden hands?

Joseph Campbell : All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time - namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

I've been so frustrated with him for not wanting to go to the right job, and I keep trying to talk to him about why he might not want to go--he's nervous about tattooing since it's been a long time since he's done it, he's nervous to go work at a shop where everyone is better than him instead of a shop where he is the best artist, he's nervous because he's told about a million lies, he's nervous to get back into a routine--all these tings seem obvious and legitimate to me, but he's been unwilling to even admit to these issues. I think if he'd been more willing to talk to me and face up to these issues, I would have been able to be more patient with him. Also, though, if he'd been able to deal with the issues, he probably would have just gone to work.

That's the most insidious part of addiction, I think...the lying. The lying to others, and the lying to yourself, and the way that the disease gives you this ability to believe two things at the same time that absolutely are not true.

He went to work, today! He is at work where I want him to be at work! It feels good...not just because it's where I want him to be. I want him to be there because it's where he belongs. We had a talk this morning about following your bliss, and how when you're on the right track, things work for you. G is a spiritual man, and he recognizes these helpful hands that push you along the way. From the way he got his job to the way I got my job to all the people we've met along the way who have given us both wonderful opportunities to grow together as a couple and individually as artists...he is supposed to be where he is today. There is no question about it.

I dreamed last night that he and I were in the old Zelda game, like from the original Nintendo version. As a kid, when I'd play the game, I used to trip out on how there was an end to the world...a big brick or brush wall, if I remember correctly. I used to always take my guy out there and walk him around, thinking about the end of the world--the edges of the world--and then I'd think about our world, the real world, and how it must have an edge somewhere...anyway, in the dream, G's character was wandering around on the edge of the world, bumping into horrible trolls, and shouting at me, "THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY. GOD, YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL ME! I'M GOING THE RIGHT WAY! LET ME GO THIS WAY!" and bumping around, uselessly, running into walls and trees. (It's funny that this petulant, outraged tone is the tone he perpetually has with me in dreams. My husband is such a twelve year old in my mind sometimes.) I, on the other hand, am going in and out of buildings where there are princesses to rescue and monsters to fight and gold to capture, and I keep telling him, "You're supposed to be over here!! Come look at all this stuff!! This is the right way!! Come with me!!"

It was a funny dream, and I told him about it this morning while he was getting dressed for work. He was very nervous, and finally admitted that the nerves about all the things he'd lied about were what had been keeping him from being excited about getting back to his art. I think as soon as he has a few good days under his belt, and especially as soon as he starts making money again, he'll be glad he's back.

It's where he's supposed to be. I'm sure of that. I told him the stuff about the Joseph Campbell bliss idea to make him stop stressing and know that it's the right place, and if it's the right place, it isn't going to be too hard. He liked it that I was pleased with him. I am pleased with him.

I liked him again last night after he got home. I wanted to touch him and put my head on him. His legs were bothering him, and I rubbed them for him like he likes me to do. I buried my nose in his armpit and smelled, and fell asleep touching him. It's nice to feel that way again. Maybe before much longer, I'll feel like that all the time.

Yay working!